As I sat deciding a way to open this post, my teeth were vehemently gritted, my jaw clenched and my toes crunched in a curl.
My exterior fits the profile of someone who is scared an anxious and so does my interior. I have always been someone that is emotionally charged and that is not to say that I am weak or a “typical female”, I know myself, I am simply in tune with my feelings and intuition and know that what I do and the decisions that I make affect my emotions more than my mind, what affects my mind is my emotions. It is a gift that I am grateful for because I can firmly say as someone who suffers with anxiety and depression that if I had ever listened to my mind and my thoughts I wouldn’t be here today.
So I have always lived my life according to how situations make me feel, not what they make me think… Until something happens, the wind changes, the fish are no longer swimming upstream and suddenly the current situation has gotten so engulfing and pressurising that I become emotionally void and that is when I am stuck. That is when fear steps in because all I am left with is my thoughts. Now you may be thinking, but Jordan, fear is an emotion, you are definitely feeling something/having some kind of emotion. The emotions and feelings I attribute to my decision making or guidance through a situation are what my heart feels and what my intuition tells me and as we all know, a woman’s intuition is never wrong. So what happens when they go? I have now allowed my thoughts to control the situation and take over where my heart and intuition should be and now I am actually unable to make any decision, in fact I’m unable to decipher what is right or wrong. I am scared.
My cousin taught me the acronym F.E.A.R.: False Evidence Appearing Real when I was eleven years old and since then I have heard it in films, read it in books and have wondered whether we are saying to ourselves that we need to ignore fear and tell ourselves that it isn’t real or welcome it and understand why we think we are in fear. But even more so, is it right to deny ourselves of fear? Can it be more damaging? I know that my fear at the moment stems from my inability to feel, to be able to make a decision that isn’t going to plague my heart which in turn will then plague my mind. So where do I go from here? Unfortunately I don’t have time to muddle on through anxiety this time but, though my stomach is in constant knots and my mind is doubting, devaluing and betraying me at every other thought, this time I am armed with more fight than ever before and whilst my heart and intuition are being silent that has to count for everything.